During this crazy month of new life and new beginnings, I rejoice in new birth and new beginnings and I mourn remembering this is the month my mom left this world. It is really strange to think of spring as a time of new life and also a time of death.
I love seeing the daffodils pop up! Ours are about to bloom. We have lots of green on our lilac bushes, our tulips are up and looking to bloom soon. Our neighbors sheep had baby lambs... our sweet baby Hazel is doing new things each day. I see new LIFE around me. But there is also darkness and reminders of loss around me and within me.
My mom! I could go on and on about her. Many of you have witnessed me going on and on about her! I know few people as kind, patient and fun as she was. The five of us kids were so lucky to have her - we laughed with her - acted silly with her. If you don't believe me, ask to see our home movies. Her being gone is a struggle that keeps rearing its head. Her time here was too short. I wish Natasha had my mom for support right now.
So today, as I miss her, I desire time with my bros and sisters. It's the next best thing to time with my mom. I sure wish I could be sitting down at our cabin making cards with my sisters or shopping TJ Maxx. Or be visiting with Matt or Phil in the kitchen while I "whip up" one of their favorite treats. I could also handle sitting in camping chairs in the yard with Phil and Vance right now (maybe John Stap too) laughing about nothing, watching the kids play as John and Phil enjoy a couple of Miller High Lifes, and yeah Vance with a Modelo :)
A friend asked me if milestones, like my children's milestones, are bittersweet. For me they seem to be either bitter or sweet. I am caught up in "WHY can't Case or my mom be here" and HOW sad it is. Or I am at more of a peace with God's plan and I embrace the milestones knowing they are sweet. I try to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn, but it is all intertwined. March used to be my least favorite month, but a lot of healing has taken place since that awful March nine years ago. I like a lot about March now. A lot of healing has taken place in regards to my mom's death. And now we are on the ugly, long journey of my nephew Case's death... that is a whole new, different grief. We feel longing and distress with tiny bits of healing.
My baby's smile and giggle are two of the most precious things in MY life right now. But everything Hazel does is a reminder of what I have and what Natasha doesn't have. Rejoicing, mourning... oh it is all so intertwined.
I am thankful for who my mom was. I am thankful God can heal. And I will do my best to treasure each day.