Matters of the Heart

 

The Heart's Decline

Matters of the heart are close to my heart. If I share part of our families story, it may encourage you to pray. It may help others gain a better understanding.

My first memory of trauma I suppose...We were driving in Canada, I was a fifth or sixth grader. We parked in a drug store parking lot and my mom was nursing my youngest brother Phillip. My dad was in the driver's seat, my mom in the passenger seat, I was in the seat behind my dad. We were in our van (Uncle Rico style if you have seen Napolean Dynamite).

My mom passed out. But right before she did, she handed me my baby brother. 

We were all very scared. My dad told me to run into the drug store and ask someone to call 911. I was eleven. I was Hazel's age. That fact puts a lump in my throat.

I remember the waiting room of the hospital and trying to help my four siblings from feeling worried or frightened. Phillip was on my hip often during those days. And I loved it, every second of it. 

We did not really know what was wrong. 

For the months surrounding this, our mom must have felt very tired. She must have had low energy. I know she was dizzy often. We know now that her heart was struggling, even failing?  We did not know that then. 

She passed out once when she was driving, all five of us kids in the van. I could take you to the exact spot where this happened. When she came to we drove one mile further to my grandparents house. My grandma encouraged my mom to rest on a hammock in the backyard. I remember watching my siblings run around. I remember trying to sense what my grandparents were thinking. Was this serious? Was this no big deal? Would this happen again? 

Because the doctors did not know what was going on, keep in mind this was 30+ years ago, there were not many answers. 

My mom was hospitalized for two weeks - the end of my sixth grade year, I believe - the doctors wondered if a virus had attacked her heart. 

When I was in high school I think my mom had less episodes, but she also was never a complainer. She seemed to be doing okay. Even if she did not feel well she was a great mom, and such a hard worker. We had no idea how serious this was. 

My aunt, my mom's sister,  began having valve issues and there was a mitral valve replacement. Her heart issues did not seem to connect to my mom's heart issues or so the doctors thought at the time. 

Eleven years ago, I began following Paul Cardall on Facebook. A professional pianist. He was awaiting a heart transplant.  - He was born with a serious congenial heart defect and had a major heart surgery 22 hours after birth. His story has spread so much awareness and encouragement. Stories like his offer hope. 

Fast forward. 

Both of my sisters have internal defibrillators. My aunt is over three years post heart transplant. (so incredible, thank you God, she is doing well). She had an internal defibrillator before her transplant.  My sisters, my aunt, and my mom were all born with a genetic heart defect. 

This is not my story to tell. It is a huge part of my story, but it is not exactly my story to tell. 

Being the oldest of five I took on the role as a protector. The months after my mom died, I wanted to be a listening ear, a voice of support, and a voice of reason. Not just for those months, but forever. For as long as I could be.  The funny thing is, my four younger siblings have been a voice of support and of reason and a listening ear to me and my family countless times in countless ways. 

Limitations

When one's heart begins to decline there are limitations. You can't run two miles, maybe you can't walk a mile. You might get winded going up the stairs. You may feel tired, you may feel dizzy, you may retain fluid. 

You may walk down a hill knowing full well it will be a struggle to get up it. 

My mom had limitations but did not know why. My aunt Jill had limitations before her transplant and understood why. Natasha has limitations and knows why. Lesha's heart is functioning better than Natasha's is. We don't know why. But we are glad she is not struggling at this point. 

My mom was my absolute go to person. Quite possibly five other people would say the same thing about her, and I am guessing even more would. 

What is good and hard about all of this is this is physical heart thing. I did not see limitations in my mom's heart of hearts. She was good at forgiving and loving unconditionally. She had Jesus in her heart. She had a very healthy heart, other than in the physical sense. 

My aunt and my sisters have all been good at loving life, being kind, being responsible and showing love. They have beautiful hearts. 

Their physical limitations, along with their journey- so often, breaks my heart. 

Vance has never coddled me. If I take a stance on anything he challenges that stance. He wants me to know what I believe in and be firm in that. He asks me hard questions, he expects me to make wise decisions. He expects a lot out of me. 

When my mom passed away, an anger stirred in me that I am ashamed to admit. I wrestled with God. I remember talking with people at her funeral, people who were crying - people who had only met her a few times. I told Vance it wasn't their loss. I remember a woman approaching me and taking five minutes to tell me about the one conversation she had with my mom. I was so mad. ( I am not mad now, I am less of a bitch thankfully.)

I told Vance "I can't believe she is acting like this affects HER so much." 

Vance told me it was shattering to people, even from a distance. My mom was 45, appeared to be healthy, and had five children who needed her. She was so very kind and loved by many. Her death was very sudden and hard to grasp. 

When my nephew Case died I sobbed and sobbed. I held my 2 1/2 month Hazel in my arms and SOBBED wondering why I had my baby and my sister did not. We drove to Lynden as Tasha, Reese, and Lane were flying there and Vance quietly said "This is not your loss." I thought he was a fat jerk at the time but wow I get it. And as the years go by, I get it more. He wanted me to be someone for them who I could be if I set the "I" and "my" sadness aside. They lost their son and brother. It was their loss. 

I have a good life and great support. I also ask God "why" a lot and I feel misunderstood often. I am so in my own head and such an over thinker I sometimes wish it could be different. 

Tasha will go to UW Monday - prayers for God's will and healing and peace for her. They'll do testing, take a close look again at her heart again. 

What I love is the advances of the medical field! In physical matters of the heart! 

And another thing I love so much is that these people I share with you have some of the most beautiful hearts!! Even if their physical hearts struggle.

On a side note, we have two VERY special heart friends who are children, Miles and Maddie! God is good! The people He places in our lives! And we know a little heart angel named Rose. Vance's cousin's baby girl. 

This is not my story

But it is a huge part of my life. 

Pray, spread awareness, and spread love. Take care of your hearts, in all ways.