You miss 100 % of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretsky

Conflicted.
In my last post I said I LOVE JANUARY! I do. But there are memories of January that are difficult, sad, tough. Five years ago Case William passed away, on January 12th, 2010.
This month - this year -has had other hardships. A cousin of mine just got out of detox. He has shared some of his journey publicly. This last week had to be tough. I pray he can stay healthy.
Now looking back; Case's funeral was in Lynden. Making an effort to comfort my sister Natasha, my brother in law Reese and my nephew Lane was challenging. But you know, I read that last sentence and dislike it so much. I can't make this about me.
Four people are so on my heart today. Natasha, Reese, Lane and Mindy.
My sister in law Mindy came to my nephew Case's funeral. She walked in with the book Jesus Calling. It wasn't wrapped, but she had tied a ribbon around it. When it comes to compassion, Mindy has been a beautifully empathetic person. We spent about 7 or 8 days in Lynden that January. I think I saw Mindy every day.
Now I have to go back further. When my mom died, Mindy was so empathetic, kind and loving. Vance's entire family was. His sister Cary flew from Bethel, Alaska with her two darling girls to come and love and support us. I was a whirlwind of emotions then. Today I am humbled by their compassion.
Mindy walked into the church the day of Case's funeral with Jesus Calling, the pastor approached her and commented on what a good read that is. Natasha told me a few months later that she received many books after Case's passing. Some really helpful books, but her favorite in those first months was Jesus Calling.
I am embarrassed to say I have probably told six people this story, but never Mindy.
Mindy gave me a book when my mom passed away, A Grace Disguised. This book was an important step in my healing process. She also gave me a white fabric box, a comfort box, with three angels in it. The angels represent me and my two sisters. Hazel loves that little box of angels. When I see it I smile and my eyes fill with tears.
These days are challenging. They are joyful and overwhelming. Hazel and Oren are such little people of JOY! Oren pushing his truck around, saying ba bye, blowing kisses, hugging me, reaching out to his daddy when he gets home...
Hazel is a dear. And her imagination, oh how I love it!
And Merit and Willem are at great ages. Working so hard in school, working hard at basketball, laughing together...
Balancing joy and pain is difficult.

A few days ago, Lesha asked me to meet her in Seattle for her appointment which was yesterday. She thought it might be fun if we could spend the night in the Seattle area. She had a heart appointment and was going alone. I couldn't meet her because Vance was helping his sister Mindy yesterday. What Vance was doing needed to be done, but I was sad not to meet Lesha. Conflicted.

She called me after the appointment. I prayed for good news. I could not handle bad news. But I need to remember, this isn't about me. Her echo looked good. The doctors were easy to converse with. Her blood pressure is really low, but possibly with a medication adjustment that can be better. She asked about Mindy.

Mindy is getting some help right now. I love that girl and pray she can get well.

Natasha and Reese are remembering their sweet baby Case. Today, Ingrid is one day older than Case was when he died. Please pray for their hearts, their joy, their well being.

I feel very full of emotion and you know, I am not the one in the thick of it. A few people I deeply love are in the thick of it.

I certainly hope blogging about this is not insensitive or rude. I do hope people will pray.

Some quotes that are helping me this week:
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretsky

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. - Chinese Proverb

If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money. -Abigail Van Buren

2 Timothy 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind. "


Natasha, Kelly, Shannon - your prayers and communication this week are huge blessings. Those times of feeling irritable, alone, worried didn't take hold because of prayerful people like you! God is so big. I am so glad I know Him!

Here's to a new year of "taking more shots" and stepping out of those boundaries of comfort. Here's to a year of praying with my kids and expressing love. Here's to a year of praying for the "impossible."